It seemed likes fo’eva’ ‘tween Buddy’s fight and mah’ fight. Man! ah’ dig it dat dey gots’ta promote some fight, and announce t’de wo’ld mah’ happenin’ness, fo’ ah’ am sho’ man dat many mo’e gots’ta come t’de rin’ plum to dig some glimpse uh me! Right on! Mah’ legend wuz strong in Soud America, and ah’ knowed dat ah’ had snatchn some lot uh bre’d fum Hyben and his opuh’shun. He may be some complete jerk, but he wuz part uh de Beast. Slap mah ‘fro! So, de hours past likes days. ah’ bought some waaay coo’ vampire slaya’ swo’d, and den charmed it. Man! You’s dun didn’t dink dat Willie could even charm weapons? ah’ am dat stylin’! Right on! Unfo’tunately, de rest uh my clottin’ group had enlisted Alice’s help- even mah’ tag team partna’ in de fight, Niko!! Clottin’ Clotters! ah’ muttered unda’ my bread, but ah’ wuz truly wo’ried now! Right on! She had gotsten luscious Rin and baaaad ole Slimmy wasted, wid ha’ magic dat only wo’ked when Alice wants’ed it to. Skeezer! She had given me an ineffective rin’, and mah’ joker Raves had bought numerous doodads fum ha’ dat ah’ had yet see wo’k. Ya’ know? Still, dere dey wuz, Niko, Buddy, and even McPhee, ax’in’ fo’ mo’e doodads dat gots’ta not wo’k at da damn right moment, plum to cut dat bitch Alice pleasho’ man. T’at Skeezer Bitch! No one even quesshuned how she knowed when t’come, how t’find us, in dis natural cave below de hotel, when she could not find us in de catacombs in France….Lies, all dat comes fum ha’ are lies! Slap mah ’fro!
She leaves, and ah’ go back t’my meditashuns- groovin’ out t’de likess uh P-Funk, Curtis Mayfield, Ohio Players, Marvin Gaye, etc! Right on! ah’ wuz boogeyin’ so’s well dat when McPhee suggested ah’ boogie poo’ly t’make me look not coo’dinated ah’ could not do it! Right on! Dat be how smood and stylin’ ah’ am! Right on! Dey finally announce our opponents, two humans dojiggerd Sculda’ and Mully. Slap mah fro! ah’ knowed dere had t’be mo’e t’dem dan dey appeared, and ah’ ax’ Raves t’keep an eye out and let me know de scoop. Jes hang loose, brud. Alice comes back and gives out all ha’ stuff t’de rest uh dem, and ah’ plum keep on groovin’! Right on! ah’ charm Niko’s weapon fo’ him, sittin’ and slowly groovin’, as de fight approaches…
De fight be about t’start, and Niko and ah’ share our Blood Magic- Armo’, Supuh’ Speed, Invisibility, and he gives me some rin’. Just befo’e da damn bell ah’ ax’ him, “You’s dun didn’t dig dis rin’ fum Alice, dun did ya’?” He stutters out some yes, and now ah’ wonda’ if ah’ should join Sculda’ and Mully and plum kill him. WORD! It so’s distracts me dat ah’ fo’get t’go into Hulk Bat befo’e da damn fight. Man! Clottin’ idiot!
So’s Mully turns 6" tall, and dere be a globe uh daylight next t’her. Ah be baaad… ah’ go Hulk Bat, and Sculda’ has some globe next t’him. Slap mah ‘fro! Dere is 2 giant dogs protectin’ dem. See, dey gots’ta double our numba’ plum to gots some chance- but ah’ am now polluted by Alice. WORD! ah’ cannot control mah’ rage, and while somewhere back in mah’ haid be screamin’, “Willie, dink tactics! Right on!” de rin’ gots polluted mah’ mind! Dat Skeezer! She wants’s me t’die! Slap mah Fro! She gots said it t’my face! Niko gave me some dead sentence, but ah’ gots’ta snatch as many as ah’ can wid me. De little Mully dinks she kin hide, but ah’ am Willie Dynamite! Right on! ah’ grab ha’ in mah’ giant claws, and squeeze ha’ little life out- so’s satisfyin’! Right on! Whut ain’t satisfyin’ is all de anti-vampire weapon balls ah’ crush in de process! Dey all go off at once! Right on! Lightnin’, rain, light, and some whirlind! Right on! So’s I’s gots’ta be caught in some twister, spinnin’ around, not bein’ able t’hear nuthin but da damn screamin’ wind. ah’ catch some brief glimpse uh de 2 big mutts, fallen at Niko’s hand. Afta’ way too long ah’ am pulled out- danks Niko! Right on! ah’ may notwaste ya’ if ah’ live drough dis! Right on! ah’ am waaay down t’little heald, but even less patience. ah’ go straight afta’ Skulder, and bite his haid off! Right on! Dat be da damn way its done! Right on! Blood drippin’ fum mah’ giant bat fangs ah’ listen t’de ro’ uh de crowd, chantin’ mah’ dojigger! Ah’ be BAAAD!
So’s Niko and ah’ haid upside to de Hyben dude- and he be as rude as ever! Clotter! As some gesture uh baaaad faid ah’ offa’ to only gain 5 million uh my winnin’s, plus mah’ o’iginal investment, instead uh de 200 plus million he owes me. He plum shines me on, makin’ subtle dreats! Clot him! He owes me, and ah’ gots’ta make sho’ man dat he knows it, as gots’ta Lil’ Tony! Right on! So’s I cut instrucshuns t’McPhee t’pick down mah’ bre’d, and ax’ Buddy and Raven t’go wid him. WORD! Niko and ah’ haid t’our rooms, t’get away fum de crowds- idol wo’ship be so ‘eshaustin’! Right on!
We dig down dere, afta’ I grab some few fine yung dudette fans t’nibble on, and Niko- well, his feedin’ habits is different, and ah’ won’t dig into dat again. ‘S coo’, bro. ah’ am in mah’ room wid de ladies, havin’ some grand old time, and dere be a knock on de doo’. ah’ reach upside fo’ mah’ oda’ pistols (de ladies havin’ fully loaded mah’ main one) and ax’ one uh de goats t’jimmey de doo’. She looks drough de peephole and collapses. ah’ haid t’de doo’ fully cocked in mo’e ways dan one and see- Lil’ Clotting Tony himself! Lop me some boogie! Suddenly ah’ am no longa’ loaded fo’ bear- hell, not even loaded fo’ chipmunk! Slap mah ‘fro! ah’ jimmey de doo’, and he ax’s t’see Niko as well. We dig t’his doo’, and in Niko’s room recap de entire fight. Man!
While dis wuz occurrin’, Raven, Buddy, and McPhee run into Mila and Sir Thad in de lobby (my skin burns at da damn dought uh dat lyin’ Sir Dad as well, but ah’ digress). Dey state dat dey is huntin’ an assassin dat wishes t’kill Lil’ Tony! Right on! Ova’ my wasted ash body! Right on! Dey go down t’our floo’ togeder.
One uh de problems wid vampire fights be how silent doodads are. Humans fight wid guns, but rarely do vampires. Dis all occurred while Niko & ah’ were chattin’ wid Lil’ Tony. Slap mah fro!
Raven wasted some fool! Right on!
McPhee used tactics and momentum! Right on!
Buddy whup’ de crap out uh de enemy. Slap mah fro!
Mila used some magic crossbow, so cut me some slack, Jack.
Sir Thad sang- see how wo’dless dis dude is! Right on!
Buddy used some ghoul as some club against anoda’ ghoul! Right on!
McPhee became some wrestler, WWE style! Right on!
Mila used some magic crossbow, so cut me some slack, Jack.
Sir Thad kep’ rappin’.
Raven shot da damn floo’, and den de air. Ah be baaad…
McPhee punted farda’ dan Ray Dude! Right on!
De attack on Lil’ Tony wuz foiled, and dey neva’ made it in de room, so’s I could not crush dem. Clot!
Log from the upcoming book, “The Eloquent Stylings of Willie Dynamite” by Willie Dynamite.
It seemed like forever between Buddy’s fight and my fight. I understand that they have to promote a fight, and announce to the world my awesomeness, for I am sure that many more will come to the ring just to get a glimpse of me! My legend was strong in South America, and I knew that I had taken a lot of money from Hyben and his operation. He may be a complete jerk, but he was part of the Beast. So, the hours past like days. I bought a cool vampire slayer sword, and then charmed it. You didn’t think that Willie could even charm weapons? I am that stylin’! Unfortunately, the rest of my clottin’ group had enlisted Alice’s help- even my tag team partner in the fight, Niko! I muttered under my breath, but I was truly worried now! She had gotten luscious Rin and good ole Slimmy killed, with her magic that only worked when Alice wanted it to. She had given me an ineffective ring, and my man Raves had bought numerous things from her that I had yet see work. Still, there they were, Niko, Buddy, and even McPhee, asking for more things that will not work at the right moment, just to give that bitch Alice pleasure. No one even questioned how she knew when to come, how to find us, in this natural cave below the hotel, when she could not find us in the catacombs in France….Lies, all that comes from her are lies!
She leaves, and I go back to my meditations- grooving out to the likes of P-Funk, Curtis Mayfield, Ohio Players, Marvin Gaye, etc! I was dancing so well that when McPhee suggested I dance poorly to make me look not coordinated I could not do it! That is how smooth and styling I am! They finally announce our opponents, two humans named Sculder and Mully. I knew there had to be more to them than they appeared, and I ask Raves to keep an eye out and let me know the scoop. Alice comes back and gives out all her stuff to the rest of them, and I just keep on grooving! I charm Niko’s weapon for him, sitting and slowly grooving, as the fight approaches…
The fight is about to start, and Niko and I share our Blood Magic- Armor, Super Speed, Invisibility, and he gives me a ring. Just before the bell I ask him, “You didn’t get this ring from Alice, did you?” He stutters out a yes, and now I wonder if I should join Sculder and Mully and just kill him. It so distracts me that I forget to go into Hulk Bat before the fight. Clotting idiot!
So Mully turns 6" tall, and there is a globe of daylight next to her. I go Hulk Bat, and Sculder has a globe next to him. There are 2 giant dogs protecting them. See, they have to double our number just to have a chance- but I am now polluted by Alice. I cannot control my rage, and while somewhere back in my head is screaming, “Willie, think tactics!” the ring has polluted my mind! That Skeezer! She wants me to die! She has said it to my face! Niko gave me a death sentence, but I will take as many as I can with me. The little Mully thinks she can hide, but I am Willie Dynamite! I grab her in my giant claws, and squeeze her little life out- so satisfying! What ain’t satisfying are all the anti-vampire weapon balls I crush in the process! They all go off at once! Lightning, rain, light, and a whirlind! So I am caught in a twister, spinning around, not being able to hear anything but the screaming wind. I catch a brief glimpse of the 2 big mutts, fallen at Niko’s hand. After way too long I am pulled out- thanks Niko! I may not kill you if I live through this! I am down to little health, but even less patience. I go straight after Skulder, and bite his head off! That be the way its done! Blood dripping from my giant bat fangs I listen to the roar of the crowd, chanting my name!
So Niko and I head over to the Hyben guy- and he is as rude as ever! As a gesture of good faith I offer to only gain 5 million of my winnings, plus my original investment, instead of the 200 plus million he owes me. He just shines me on, making subtle threats! Clot him! He owes me, and I will make sure that he knows it, as will Lil’ Tony! So I give instructions to McPhee to pick up my money, and ask Buddy and Raven to go with him. Niko and I head to our rooms, to get away from the crowds- idol worship is so exhausting!
We get up there, after I grab a few fine young female fans to nibble on, and Niko- well, his feeding habits are different, and I won’t get into that again. I am in my room with the ladies, having a grand old time, and there is a knock on the door. I reach over for my other pistols (the ladies having fully loaded my main one) and ask one of the girls to open the door. She looks through the peephole and collapses. I head to the door fully cocked in more ways than one and see- Lil’ Tony! Suddenly I am no longer loaded for bear- hell, not even loaded for chipmunk! I open the door, and he asks to see Niko as well. We get to his door, and in Niko’s room recap the entire fight.
While this was occurring, Raven, Buddy, and McPhee run into Mila and Sir Thad in the lobby (my skin burns at the thought of that lying Sir Thad as well, but I digress). They state that they are hunting an assassin that wishes to kill Lil’ Tony! Over my dead ash body! They go up to our floor together.
One of the problems with vampire fights is how silent things are. Humans fight with guns, but rarely do vampires. This all occurred while Niko & I were chatting with Lil’ Tony.
Raven killed somebody!
McPhee used tactics and momentum!
Buddy beat the crap out of the enemy.
Mila used a magic crossbow.
Sir Thad sang- see how worthless this guy is!
Buddy used a ghoul as a club against another ghoul!
McPhee became a wrestler, WWE style!
Mila used a magic crossbow.
Sir Thad kept singing.
Raven shot the floor, and then the air.
McPhee punted farther than Ray Guy!
The attack on Lil’ Tony was foiled, and they never made it in the room, so I could not crush them.