So’s afta’ de usual bs uh our little group (some vampires is serious about showin’ down, pullin’ deir weight, and rescuin’ de Bloodlo’d and his daughter- oders could not eva’ get t’de meetin’s on time- mah’ crib boy Raves steps down! He gots’ta snatch some tour uh de Edinburgh Castle durin’ de daylight hours! Right on! I obviously dun did not join him- do ya’ know how baaaad de sun be fo’ mah’ fine brother skin?
He told us downon return dat he had ’espuh’tly behomeyed da damn tour guide, and had found out da damn general locashuns uh de Coven of the Dragon. Dere wuz many below de armo’y, several in de Governo’’s Crib itself, ad few in scattered posishuns below de rest uh de grounds. Figurin’ out dat dey wuz waaay down in de catacombs below, likes de rats dey are, he searched fo’ areas leadin’ waaay down, findin’ some roped off area in de back co’na’ of de Governo’’s Crib wid stairs goin’ waaay down. Right on!
Meanwhile, Nico wuz hangin’ his own righteous search. Lop some boogie. He kin do some ghost whispuh’in’, and mistin’, so’s he be a baaaad ass sneak- and we had t’keep Reggie safe, fo’ she wuz second in line t’de kidnapped bloodlo’d. When he came back he told us whut happened as well. He fust tried t’commune wid some spirits in one spot, but could not dig no eyeball on dem. Shiiizzle! He moved t’anoder, and dey started givin’ Nico deir life sto’y. Nico said he turned into Nixon- well, an Asian version uh him! Slap mah fro! He gotss some baaaad info, and den decided t’check out da damn grounds. He charmed da damn ticket lady, Agada, (Nico be da damn best lookin’ Asian dude ever- if ya’ is into dat) who turns out t’be some retired ghost spook! She snatch’d Nico t’dose stairs dat Raves rapped about, and goes waaay down dem and oders t’a wine cellar! Right on! De spirits all showed off fo’ our Asian Nixon, and showed dat deir wuz some secret entrance behind some cax’! Right on! Dey also said dere wuz two oda’ entrances, one unda’ de reservoir and anoda’ in de soudwest co’na’ of de Palace. Dey confirmed dat da damn Bloodlo’d Silas and his daughta’ Mila wuz in de catacombs. ah’ owe dis dude some sake! Right on!
We all make our preparashuns fo’ de nights rescue. It gots been decided dat Reggie, Raves, mah’self, and da damn righteous Scot Mark, along wid some uh Mark’s broders in our happenin’, kick ass Coven uh’ de’ Beast gots’ta provide da damn majo’ distracshun. We is goin’ t’wreak havoc on some knights tourdojiggernt! Right on! Meanwhile, Nico be goin’ t’be bait, tryin’ t’drow off de scent by goin’ drough de castle.
De part ah’ dun did not likes wuz de rescue itself. De group wuz placin’ all deir faid in dat skeezer bitch and ha’ magic! She had given Slimmy some spell t’make him 6" tall, and one t’make da damn lovely Rin some cat (I plum hoped dat she wuz in heat- ah’ likes Slimmy and all, but if she drew herself at me ah’ sho’ man wuz not goin’ t’say no). Dis all meant we wuz puttin’ our faid into dat crazy bitch and ha’ spells! Right on! ah’ said mah’ objecshuns, but wuz outvoted- even mah’ goat Reggie went against me, and Slimmy volunteered! So, we went our separate ways. ah’ felt confident dat ah’ would see Nico again, but wuz convinced dat ah’ would neva’ see da damn sight uh Rin’s fine lusciousness o’ de waaay coo’ness uh Slimmy again. Latas bro’.
So’s Raves and ah’ go t’suit down fo’ our Knightly duties- and gots’ta convince da damn dweeb in charge we belong. Fo’ schizzle, and ah’ get t’be da damn Black Knight- uh course! Right on! Raven be de Honky Knight- and dis all means dat we is goin’ t’be centa’ stage. I gots some luscious groupies, who gots’ta taste real baaaad soon. It neva’ ceases t’amaze how doodads mosey on down togeder- whut dun did dey plum say- joustin’ fust? Oh f….!
Raves goes fust, and mos’ immediately falls off de ho’se. He jumps off, instead, and dey disqualify him. Shizzle! Honky knight waaay down- down t’de Blackness t’save da damn day, again. ‘S coo’, bro. ah’ have neva’ been on some ho’se befo’e, but how hard kin it be? ah’ rush de dude, and ah’ can see why dey do dis- it be even betta’ dan drivin’ de caddy wid de top waaay down! Right on! ah’ slip, and decide dat ah’ might be betta’ ridin’ it likes some surfbo’d- back flip, nail landin’! Right on! Crowd be goin’ crazy, and ah’ shove da damn long stick at mah’ foe. It hurts him, but duz not snatch him out- ah’ gots’ta dough. Lop some boogie. Leap, drag de meat out uh de saddle, hear de ro’ uh de crowd- and den de shock as ah’ tear mah’ helmet off, and his, sinkin’ mah’ teed in his delicious flesh! Right on! Dinna’ time! Preach it loud, bruddah! Mah’ Beast pals and Raves join in- and ah’ am sho’ man dat some fountain uh blood down in de stands be my goat Reggie- invisibly shreddin’ de humans. While ah’ wuz feedin’ on one uh de groupies heavenly flesh, ah’ heard some funky voice.
“Who is you?” it ax’ed.
Now ah’ am annoyed, fo’ who likess bein’ interrupted durin’ dinner? ah’ look waaay down and dere be a giant eyeball. ah’ pull out mah’ swo’d, feelin’ all knightly, and stick it at da damn din’. Suddenly dere be a flash and ah’ cannot see some darn doodad! I jumped t’where ah’ dink de doodad is, and nail it, real baaaad! Right on! It blows down! Slap mah’ fro’! Now t’get back t’some righteous feedin’! Right on!
While ah’ wuz concentratin’ on dinin’, ah’ had some funky vision. ah’ saw de 6" tall Slimmy and some cat, which gots’ta have been Rin, usin’ an even tinia’ magic crossbow, enterin’ de catacombs. Dey moved past some recepshunist, two guards playin’ cards, and room afta’ room. Dey finally gots’ta some room which dey called some Basalt cabin. Dere wuz den in an apodecary, which had some bunch uh boxes. ah’ saw dem jimmey one (curiosity wasted de cat- mos’ literally here) and alarms went off. Dankfully no one wuz lookin’ fo’ tiny and kitty. Dey gots’ta an area which dey strangely called G- funky unless ya’ considered it wuz some sucka’s g spot! Right on! It wuz some tool shop uh hedonism- whips, chains, clamps and all so’ts uh fun toys. Den de vision ended, plum outside some glassed off underground hot sprin’s.
Of course, dis left our Asian Nixon, Nico. ah’ duzn’t know de whole sto’y yet, but he had real pissed off dat dude Remmy. ah’ sho’ man dun did not likes dat kraut befo’e, but now, he… shows down wid some helicopter! ah’ see him on de rap rod inside da damn choppuh’, and den, suddenly, de jerk drops booze on de esplanade! Fu…..! He wasted some uh my beast broders! I lose it at dis point- seein’ red duz not begin t’say whut happened. ah’ change into some bat, and go fasta’ dan some bat out uh hell afta’ dem. WORD! Next doodad ah’ rememba’ I’s gots’ta be tastin’ his sour blood, and tryin’ not t’kill him. ah’ wants’ him t’suffer! ah’ wants’ him t’suffa’ likes mah’ broders! ah’ wants’ him t’suffa’ fo’ever!
Another stylin’ Willie picture from Universal Pictures.
Black knight picture from David Igo.
Log from the upcoming book, “The Eloquent Stylings of Willie Dynamite” by Willie Dynamite.
So after the usual bs of our little group (some vampires are serious about showing up, pulling their weight, and rescuing the Bloodlord and his daughter- others could not ever get to the meetings on time- my home boy Raven steps up! He will take a tour of Edinburgh Castle during the daylight hours! I obviously did not join him- do you know how bad the sun is for my beautiful black skin?
He told us upon return that he had expertly befriended the tour guide, and had found out the general locations of the 1st Coven. There were many below the armory, several in the Governor’s Home itself, ad few in scattered positions below the rest of the grounds. Figuring out that they were down in the catacombs below, like the rats they are, he searched for areas leading down, finding a roped off area in the back corner of the Governor’s Home with stairs going down. Bingo!
Meanwhile, Nico was doing his own righteous search. He can do some ghost whispering, and misting, so he is a good sneak- and we had to keep Reggie safe, for she was second in line to the kidnapped bloodlord. When he came back he told us what happened as well. He first tried to commune with some spirits in one spot, but could not get no read on them. He moved to another, and they started giving Nico their life story. Nico said he turned into Nixon- well, an Asian version of him! He gots some good info, and then decided to check out the grounds. He charmed the ticket lady, Agatha, (Nico be the best looking Asian dude ever- if you are into that) who turns out to be a retired paranormal investigator! She takes Nico to those stairs that Raven talked about, and goes down them and others to a wine cellar! The spirits all showed off for our Asian Nixon, and showed that their was a secret entrance behind a cask! They also said there were two other entrances, one under the reservoir and another in the southwest corner of the Palace. They confirmed that the Bloodlord Silas and his daughter Mila were in the catacombs. I owe this dude some sake!
We all make our preparations for the nights rescue. It has been decided that Reggie, Raven, myself, and the righteous Scot Mark, along with some of Mark’s brothers in our awesome, kick ass Coven of the Beast, will provide the major distraction. We are going to wreak havoc on a knights tournament! Meanwhile, Nico is going to be bait, trying to throw off the scent by going through the castle.
The part I did not like was the rescue itself. The group was placing all their faith in that crazy bitch Alice and her magic! She had given Tony Slims a spell to make him 6" tall, and one to make the lovely Rin a cat (I just hoped that she was in heat- I like Slimmy and all, but if she threw herself at me I sure was not going to say no). This all meant we were putting our faith into that crazy bitch and her spells! I said my objections, but was outvoted- even my girl Reggie went against me, and Slims volunteered! So, we went our separate ways. I felt confident that I would see Niko again, but was convinced that I would never see the sight of Rin’s lusciousness or the coolness of Tony again. Goodbye brother.
So Raven and I go to suit up for our Knightly duties- and have to convince the dweeb in charge we belong. Easily done, and I get to be the Black Knight- of course! Raven is the White Knight- and this all means that we are going to be center stage. I have some luscious groupies, who will taste really good soon. It never ceases to amaze how things come together- what did they just say- jousting first? Oh crap!
Raven goes first, and almost immediately falls off the horse. He jumps off, instead, and they disqualify him. White knight down- up to the Blackness to save the day, again. I have never been on a horse before, but how hard can it be? I rush the guy, and I can see why they do this- it is even better than driving the caddy with the top down! I slip, and decide that I might be better riding it like a surfboard- back flip, nail landing! Crowd is going crazy, and I shove the long stick at my foe. It hurts him, but does not take him out- I will though. Leap, drag the meat out of the saddle, hear the roar of the crowd- and then the shock as I tear my helmet off, and his, sinking my teeth in his delicious flesh! Dinner time!! My Beast pals and Raven join in- and I am sure that a fountain of blood up in the stands is my girl Reggie- invisibly shredding the humans. While I was feeding on one of the groupies heavenly flesh, I heard a strange voice.
“Who are you?” it asked.
Now I am annoyed, for who likes being interrupted during dinner? I look down and there is a giant eyeball. I pull out my sword, feeling all knightly, and stick it at the thing. Suddenly there is a flash and I cannot see a darn thing! I jumped to where I think the thing is, and nail it, real good! It blows up! Now to get back to some good dinner!
While I was concentrating on dining, I had a strange vision. I saw the 6" tall Tony Slims and a cat, which must have been Rin, using an even tinier magic crossbow, entering the catacombs. They moved past a receptionist, two guards playing cards, and room after room. They finally got to some room which they called a Basalt cabin. There were then in an apothecary, which had a bunch of boxes. I saw them open one (curiosity killed the cat- almost literally here) and alarms went off. Thankfully no one was looking for tiny and kitty. They got to an area which they strangely called G- strange unless you considered it was someone’s g spot! It was a tool shop of hedonism- whips, chains, clamps and all sorts of fun toys. Then the vision ended, just outside some glassed off underground hot springs.
Of course, this left Niko. I don’t know the whole story yet, but he had really ticked off that dude Remmy. I sure did not like that kraut before, but now, he… shows up with a helicopter! I see him on the phone inside the chopper, and then, suddenly, the jerk drops water on the esplanade! He killed some of my beast brothers! I lose it at this point- seeing red does not begin to say what happened. I change into a bat, and go faster than a bat out of hell after them. Next thing I remember I am tasting his sour blood, and trying not to kill him. I want him to suffer! I want him to suffer like my brothers! I want him to suffer forever!